I have been "Switzerlanded"

Like every fortnight, I ordered our groceries online. We've done this for over a year as we noticed it cuts our costs significantly. It's not 100% perfect but what is.

• Sometimes items are missing. No problem, those can be easily compensated. Insert smiley face here.
• Sometimes items are broken. No problem, those can be easily compensated. Insert smiley face here.
• Sometimes an item is not in stock. No problem, you either choose to replace the item with something else or the item's price is reduced from the bill. Insert smiley face here.
• Sometimes you place an order, get the delivery and notice some items have not been delivered. You check the list you submitted into the online ordering system but then they simply vanish from the order confirmation/delivery. Insert a pout here.

Ah. We have a problem, Houston. Ordered items seem to have disappeared. Vanished. Like they never existed, let alone ordered. Poooooof. Magic.

Yesterday it happened again. I usually do not care so much because I can always pop to the supermarket and purchase the missing item (as it has "vanished" from the order, it hasn't been included in the bill). But this time, the item was nearly 40L of water and my only reason for ordering it was not having to carry that load myself. But the water never came. I saw online I had ordered it but it had disappeared from the confirmation. No notification of items being out of stock, no nothing. Interesting.

As an old customer service specialist (back in the day, long long ago, before electricity), I thought I'd inform them that they might have some online glitch which makes some items disappear from the order. I composed a rather dry, neutral e-mail to the customer service, explaining what had happened and asked if they had any idea why this order went how it went.

Promptly, I received a reply which pretty much said: "Ordered item was out of stock, you must have missed the information about it on your computer screen. What you order is not relevant, only confirmation counts. Thank you for your understanding, blah blah blah".

I see. I am dumb. A bimbo. I don't know how to order stuff. Hell, I can't even walk and chew chewing gum at the same time.  I was in the wrong. Sorry. You're correct. Silly for me to question your holy system.

As a thumb rule... You never accuse a paying customer being in the fault/too dumb/being ignorant. You say "oh, I'll put this to our IT team to look into", "it was the scary monster under our bed that did it", "it was the Martians". Anything but the customer. Do. Not. Blame. The. Customer. Because when you turn it to be the customer's fault, you can be sure that you'll now get Mrs. Marvelous pretty angry.

So I e-mailed again. This time not so neutrally.

Yes I have been ordering around 27 times a year so I know how things work. In the same order another item was out of stock, it notified about it and we replaced the item with another one. Also, if the item has been out of stock but the order went through without notification of it, we've received a text message before delivery that the item will not be delivered. All this is ok.
But what is not acceptable is items vanishing into thin air without notifying the customer. As we placed the order and the system didn't alert that the water was out of stock (come on, it's a friggin' pop up with big red letters, only missing a klaxon sound) we couldn't replace it with another brand. If Mrs. Marvelous doesn't get a notification, she thinks everything's fine and dandy like cotton candy at Disney Land and is expecting the item to be delivered. Which didn't happen. Which is why I contacted the customer service in the first place.

And their reply was....

....It was.....

Yohhooooo....?

....Anyone there....ere....re....? *echo echo echo*

Indeed. I forgot customer service here works differently.

I have been Switzerlanded. 

To infinity and beyond...

Before moving here, I thought I was a seasoned traveler and had seen it all. Well, if not "all", then damn close to it anyways.
And more than traveling, I thought my experiences living in abroad (UK/Australia) had prepared me well enough to invade Switzerland with ease. What could go wrong? We like rules and regulations in Finland, too. I would fit right in! Right? RIGHT????!!! So pack your bags hon, we're going to Switzerland!

Ah, yes. But still, no.

I never thought I'd be stepping into a time machine that teleports me to the 1950's. Things are stiff, formal and done still on paper (And I do mean.... "paper", the thin white stuff you use your pens and pencils on when you want to doodle). No more "I just update this with a click of a button and it'll update the information everywhere, end of story".

All of a sudden I became "a woman". Nothing wrong with that as I really am one (!!), but I mean.... I was now labelled as a "woman" instead of a "person". The supporter of the Significant Other (=man). The whole system seems have been built in a way that men take care of their families by working while woman stays at home, taking care of the "boring woman stuff". Y'know, cooking, kids, cleaning and all that jazz.

For someone who has always been working in male dominant surroundings, getting hands dirty, taking responsibility and studying, it came as a bit of a shock. Whereas I used to be in a managerial role before, here my qualifications seem only take me as far as a petticoat wearing coffee making assistant. And that's only if I were lucky enough master one of the local languages fluently. Which I don't. Yet.

I've felt as if I lost my identity somewhere along the line.  I see other housewives with their perfectly manicured nails and shiny hair, carrying proudly their Louis Vuitton bag (which seems to be a "must" accessory around here), wearing their fur coats in the winter while balancing their act in stiletto high heels. I am such a damn tree hugger compared to these ladies. I don't have it in me to be a member of the Trophy Wives Club. Then again, that's why my man chose me in the first place. I was never his princess, I was supposed be his equal. Duh.

But it seems that I am not at all alone when it comes to these feelings. Shortly after moving here, I discovered a forum for English speakers in Switzerland and I'm a very active reader there (but a super shy poster) as each problem/observation/struggle I've ever had here has been discussed there before. I don't feel quite as alien when I read identical stories of other expats/trailing spouses. If you ever think about moving here, make sure you spend a couple of days going through the posts. You'll be happy that you did.

Not to be such a Negative Nancy, I must add that even though things are...uhm...."different" here, when I see a landscape like this when I step out of our front door, all the worries simply melt away and I feel incredibly lucky to be right here, right now.

Uh-oh. Karma = Biatch.

After a bad night of sleep, I told my husband this morning "Thank goodness we've been healthy. Let's try to keep it that way".

I was tempting my fate, wasn't I? I simply never learn to shut the hell up.

As Karma is never on my side, when I got up from bed and nearly fainted on the spot, followed by feeling sharp pain in my right ear, I was not a happy puppy. No woof woof. No tail wagging. No nothing.

Crap.

I'm starting to think I have an ear infection. Will I have my first ever encounter with the local healthcare system we're paying oh-so-dearly for? Will our family doctor understand me well enough if I point at my ear, make a pout and say "Ow"?

Last time I had an (inner) ear infection a couple of years ago it took 5 x antibiotics to beat and not without developing an allergic reaction to penicillin in the last round of treatment which covered me with a horrible rash from head to toe. I was known as the "blotchy itchy scratchy girl" for some time.

Thought of this possible new ordeal requires some drastic measures so I will attack my Ikea wholegrain rye bread, liquorice and gingerbread cookies that remind me of Finland Sweden.

If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em. No, wait....

Switzerland, the land of cows, cheese, chocolate, watches and other wonders.

Here I am, the wonderful Mrs Marvelous, Trailing Spouse extraordinaire. Uprooted from the North of Europe, planted now in the soil of Switzerland.

Before we moved here two years ago, I imagined mountains, snow, tranquility, trains that never run late and Winter with a capital W. Right? Oh boy, how wrong was I! 

This will be a blog about my daily struggle life as I kick off "Operation Integration" as it seems we're in no hurry to leave this country. 

No one told me that the summers here are hot, that our town has its own micro climate that seems to keep cold air and clouds away and that bugs come super sized comparing to where I come from. 

I'm terrified of bugs and last week Nature attacked me in my own home in a big way. As Murphy's law is what it is, my bug catching Ninja (aka the husband) was abroad. Of course. 

I was on my way to the kitchen when I saw an eerie shadow in the hallway on top of our wardrobe. I looked up and met a pair of eyes. Hungry, hungry eyes (no, not really, this is just my imagination). A gigantic cricket. Never seen anything that big before (in Europe, that is. Used to live in Australia so can't compare the bug sizes). How did it get up there, I wondered as I ran to the living room, slamming the glass door shut behind me. There is no option of gently catching a bug when it's just me and me alone. No way. Keep your cup/cardboard methods, thankyouverymuch. 

It was survival of the fittest and the cricket was winning!

I took a bug spray (opened for over a year already and it claims to be valid only for 2 months after opening) and from a great distance, I sprayed at it. 

Psssssfffff. Psssssssf psssssfff PSSSSSSSSSSSSFFFFF! *insert here an image of Rambo shooting*

That sure pissed it right off as it took off and flew (so that's how it got up there, dammit) right at me. 

Screaming, I ran back to the living room and slammed the glass door shut once again as the cricket decided to park itself to the other side of the glass. I looked at it, it looked at me. Laughing, mocking my pitiful attempt to kill it. It eats girls like me for breakfast without chewing. I'm sure of it. It now had me cornered, there was no way out for me.

The bug spray sure as hell wasn't killing it but it got it a bit tipsy. So tipsy it forgot to eat me and instead flew into our guest room. As it did so, I made my move and closed the door of that room. I would've locked the door but the key was on the wrong side. Luckily,  it didn't know how to turn the handle to open the door.....

So there it was, still chirping its blood thirsty songs, waiting for my saviour husband's return flight. 

....And then it was Go Time for Jiminy Cricket....

No zooming needed.